Miseria Cantare: Nothing, from nowhere

Nasi lemak sotong

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 22:43:00 +0000

"Subhanallah, Maha Suci Allah," sang the middle-aged man in the wee hour of Subuh.

I was at University Malaya Medical Centre when I stumbled upon this lovely man, he was selling nasi lemak along with some other local delicacies such as kuih ketayap, cucur keria and etc. What triggered my interest in writing about this man is, his presence gave me such warmth that I couldn't put into words.

The words uttered by him sounded so graceful, so soothing. Thus, being the bubbly person who doesn't know how to stop talking that I am, I struck a conversation. Such gentleman. I introduced myself, we began talking about how early it was for me to be going around by myself anywhere at the hospital as it was dark. Perhaps I look like a high school student, that sparked many questions in his train of thought.

"Saya sebenarnya wartawan, pakcik. Saya habis kerja pukul 8 nanti. Saya saja beli nasi lemak sebab ternampak pakcik jual. Alang-alang tu, saya rasa bagus kalau saya belikan sarapan untuk mak bapak saya sebab diorang selalu tak sempat makan, kesian pulak saya dekat diorang. Harap2 sempatlah saya sampai rumah sebelum diorang pegi kerja," I said.

"Subhanallah, wartawan rupanya kamu ini. Baguslah kalau macam tu. Patutlah kamu beli lebih, rupanya nak bagi mak bapak kamu makan, Alhamdulillah. Kalau tak sedap, bagitau pakcik, kalau sedap bagitau kawan ya," he replied.

What's so special that it left me with an impact, I don't know. It might sound like a normal conversation but I couldn't help but feel at ease. I tend to scare people away when they learn that I'm a reporter. I guess reporters always have always been labelled as the bad guys.

As I drove down the street, I came with a conclusion - I'm happy being here. Working the midnight shift can be boring at times but I have nothing to complain about as I have my freedom of scouting my own news. Not that I have an incredible news sense. However, the effort is there and I'm happy to know that at the end of the day, I've tried my hardest to be productive.

"Nad, sometimes ada time yang kita tak dapat stodries for days. So don;t be so hard on yourself," a colleague, Aizat said.

It's the kind of boost that I really need. I often find myself feeling a little down whenever I come home empty-handed. But I learnt that in this field that I am involved with, there are days when you cannot help but come back with nothing. Sure, it sounds sad but you just have to deal with it. I'm learning at my own pace and it's better than being too anal and ignorant about being productive.

I'm happy being here. :).

NXH

0032.

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 16:02:00 +0000

What makes me happy these days?

Just about anything. I notice that I don't normally have things to write about anymore even though there are lots of things running in this train of thoughts. Who knew that something that comes naturally, goes astray that easy too. I'm talking about my will, by the way. Haha.

I guess one of the reasons why I don't write that much anymore is because I feel like I am always rambling about petty stuff. "Ouh, I'm not happy lalala...", "Ouh, what did I do to deserve this?" It's boring. Haha.

But tonight has been a great night so far. One thing that I feel like writing about would be the fact that I truly enjoyed myself despite getting lost in the city of twilight (yeah right.) I don't know, I just feel like it's one of the best nights I have ever went through. Maybe I am dodging the reason why, maybeee. Teehee. Tapi, it's all different now, I am at a different place and circumstance. Perchance I should stop here. Should I continue, it would be about something that's not meant to be and uncertain. Then again, I'm still a happy being, it felt like when everything was just right years ago. :).

The old signature's back. NXH is here once more. :).

NXH

No smile from P.A.

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 03:11:00 +0000

I received the first beating of the day from Pauline Almeida with a smile. Honestly, I don’t know how I should feel about it. But it’s all good, another lesson learnt.

She stressed that the office is teaching us (all the new journalists ) "the wrong thing" by asking us to ask around for contacts.

“We had to make 30 phone calls before we got the contact of the person we’re looking for. I don’t know what they’re teaching you and the new reporters here in the office, but senior reporters like I am build up our own contacts.” Or something like that as it was too noisy at the time, with the auntie vacuuming the carpet and all. She has a point.

At first, she asked me if I had managed to contact the person for comments and I replied with a nod and a yes. She seemed mad at me, but maybe she’s like that by nature.

However, what perplexed me was, she was so cheerful and nice and so sweet when I asked her the number of a public figure. She could be half-hearted about sharing the contact but if she really was at all, she hid it well.

Nonetheless, I certainly am grateful because I want to be a better reporter. I have people like Pauline to thank for. Teehee. And those who share their contacts, can’t leave them out after all the sharing, can I? :P.

Ah...

NXH

Pulling the trigger

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 04:14:00 +0000

Of many cases and unforeseen circumstances, this one person often finds herself floating inches off the ground where she is supposed to stand.

As surreal as everything else, she seeks something more to life, something that could assure her for the last time, thus none of insecurities could make friends with her. Of late, it seems that she is destined to spread her wings and lose herself in the open sky. Only the sky has lightnings dancing horrifically through it.

At times it's perplexing to fully understand her nature. She confuses others as much as she confuses herself. The thought of running alone keeps on lingering. Perchance being detached from her surrounding and the people she knows have long been her best friends for as long as she could remember.

Leave, before everything gets too serious. But what if he's really determined and honest? Should she? Shoot her.

Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi

I'm going to die of a car crash

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 04:08:00 +0000

Why? Because just before reaching the destination where I was assigned to cover a small press conference, there were two times I was this close of being dragged into an accident. Then again, I never believed that I was a good driver. Partly, it was my fault (I think) considering that I just massacred my father's car yesterday when I was trying to park the car. Hmm, I don't know why I tend to blame myself every time bad things happen to me.

Buttt, some Malaysians were really born stupid. The green light was on, which indicates that pedestrians can now cross the road safely. But this one "smart" guy decided to run the light and almost ran me over. And boy, was he mad at me. Mad at me? It just makes me wonder sometimes, what are they thinking. What's inside of their head, other than a small piece of brain that's half working? It could be that he's blind because everyone stopped, but not him.

It's important for us to be educated. We don't have to go far by pointing our fingers at the authorities because I believe that we need to have a strong fundamental at home. I mean, we always want to have the tallest buildings, the best of everything. It can be annoying to know that our government ni jenis tak boleh kalah. Not all, but some. But what the government doesn't know, or decides to ignore is the fact that we are also one of the fattest, and possibly dumbest nations.

There was a time when my mother and I took the train from KL Sentral to Subang Jaya. You know how Komuter Tanah Melayu (KTM) works? Slow.

I was sad. Until today, it's safe to say that I never failed to give my seat away to those who need it, especially to the elderly and pregnant women. Not because I want to act like an angel but of course it injects some accomplishments and great feelings since I have a problem with self-loathing. Tapi seriously, sanggup ke tgk org kurang upaya berdiri dan asyik2 nak terjatuh dan tiada siapa tlg? Tak kasihan ke? I just hope that when my family members or anyone that I care for wouldn't encounter such similar problems.

But that one time, my heart sank completely. Not one of them young souls would give up their seat for my mother. I am not ranting about how they should treat my mother, no. I just feel like there's something that we should do to plant a seed of compassion in their young souls, or self-centered beings. You can't always be selfish. It can happen to you as well. Don't they feel good doing good things? Maybe my expectations in people are high but I just believe that you treat others the way you want to be treated. I guess I hoped for too much when I shouldn't have.

Is it the food we eat? Should we start eating more broccoli, bacon and steaks?

Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi

When you feel like Brian Molko

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 03:53:00 +0000

There's this vivid dream of pressing herself close to a person who provides her emotional support and comfort.

But it is also at these times that she feels the need to detach herself from the society and everyone around her, including her duet. She has in mind of going astray, walking aimlessly into the shadow of doubts. Deep in the forest, lies nothing but perplexities and only an answer. However, if she proceeds, she would only prove him right as he once said: "You'll go astray on me, one day I'm sure. And I'll be sad."

Not that she hasn't done that before.

She finds herself being in the middle of the road - a road that has two paths. She could either choose to stay and share or choose to vanish. At present, there's nothing that she wants more than feeling secure again. Her hands are well-kept at each side of her body but her desire is to hold on to something. Aside of the keyboard.

But anyway, I truly hope that today will be a great day to perform. InsyaAllah. :). This is the list of things that I hope to do and accomplish:

Donate blood.
Enroll myself in a yoga or dance class.
More manicure and pedicure with Masami.
Getting pampered at spas or just at massage parlors (with Syaz or Masami.)
Further my studies.
Shed a few pounds (like that's going to happen. Hah!).
Be a better person and learn from the mistakes I've made.
Be a stronger person.
To feel that it's all right to feel what I feel and show it.
Run freely.
Work as a social worker by feeding the need or just helping out those in need.
Make my parents happy and proud.
To be able to let my guard down.
Improve my work ethics and perform consistently.
Let loose.
Be happy.
Stop going astray.
To be loved by God.

INSYAALLAH!

Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi

All drugged up

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 05:08:00 +0000

Why oh why, sakit kepala?

Anyway, currently I have no assignment given so here I am, typing away these letters for the sake of doing something. It's already 121pm. No assignment? It usually means that I'm screwed and can't go back early. Not that it's a big deal anyway, but I feel obliged to go back and hang with my father. I haven't done that in awhile. I guess it's partly because I have another boy who wants to meet up every now and then. Which often makes me think to myself, how does a girl juggle two or more lovers at once? Satu pun dah susah nak jaga.

Now, I find myself chowing down 14 ounces of Hershey's Kissables (candy coated mini kisses.) Can you imagine how much calories and saturated fat I am chewing right now? I certainly don't think I'll be shedding some pounds for now although that's what has been lingering on my mind. Pakcik tu pun panggil kita gemuk. Haha. This post makes me sound like a self-conscious freak.

Aside from that, the skin around the area of my nose and upper lip is peeling due to the fact that I couldn't stop sneezing the whole day for the past three days. It was bad and half the time, I felt like blacking out.

Buttt, last night was beautiful. I hope I still have strong a resistance towards the things that I do not believe in. Although I've been blessed with all these colourful blessings from God, I couldn't help but notice that I have a very bad immunity system. I've taken my meds but my throat is still a phlegm factory and my head is spinning.

My right eye couldn't stop twitching. Since it tickles, I kept on blabbering to my friends but one of the friends who I ranted out about it came to a very good, simple conclusion - I'm going to die soon.

I like it!

Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi

Weird, but not bizarre

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 06:45:00 +0000

It has been quite a bumpy road for us both. For me, definitely.

It's comical when I reminisced of the moment when everything took place. It was like a casual hangout session which sparked into something serious. I didn't have the idea of starting anything at all, I just thought that it'd be good to have a friend I can hangout with. Being the person who initiated everything, he made it easy for me to just being myself and I often find myself tagging along whenever he asked me to meet up. Of course there were times when I couldn't join. But he was a friend.

To date, I've grown more and more attached to this one boy whom I never thought I would have anything to do with, at all. I wasn't playing when I jotted that down. The first impression I had of him was, I just thought he was weird. "What the hell, why is he talking to me like he's known me for ages? This guy sure knows how to strike a conversation, but he's still weird." Masa tu memang malas nak layan dia pun.

But nine months after the first meeting changed. That change led to this - us. The first thought was just to have a joyous time together, I never really had in mind of being, or getting serious with the boy I am with now. And of course, he wasn't a rebound either.

He leads a very different lifestyle and so do I. There are just too many clashes and that fact planted a seed of confusion as well as doubts, it seems impossible for this to work. I just didn't want this relationship to work in the long run. Jahat, I know.

But I changed my mind. It feels different this time around. I'm not here to compare the past love duet. They're two different beings. Yes, I loved the first very dearly. Yes, he gets me and yes, he's a good person to be with, but it's not meant to be and I accept it the way it is.

Although this guy annoys me almost every second when we're around each other, I am thankful that things are flowing more naturally and consistently, which was almost non-existent in my last relationship.

Throughout the period of time we've been together, I have been egoistical and stuffed with pride. Never once, except for that night when all hell broke lose that I let my guard down, even just slightly. Yet he always tries to patch things up, or win me back every time I put my horrendous sour face on.

I wouldn't want to wink at a thing called jinx. I believe I have some insecurities still buried deep in this skin. Perchance that's the reason why I find it easier to be alone and detach myself from people always.

I can be anal once in awhile. I've been called "batu" and an "affection dodger" for failing to show my true emotions. It isn't exactly easy to explain, I guess my actions do not speak louder than words and my words are stuck in my throat. We still need to learn and we need to to learn together in order to make this work.

It scares me at times knowing what I know and feel. It freaks me out. To be honest, the thought of starting over again is tiring, but again, I pulled through, we pulled through.

I am taking these small steps and have found you instead. You may not fit the criteria that I look for in a partner, but the same goes with me.

I feel funny for the fact that I only wanted nothing serious out of this when it started. My soul and heart were bruised from past experience and I was looking forward to just having someone to kill loneliness. When we got together, I didn't really feel anything exclusive for him. But I feel happy this present as I realise that more and more, the feelings have developed into what it is today. There are times when I'd feel that I am forever destined to be alone, but hold my hand and reassure me, don't let go. Help me.

I sound like a person who is madly in love. I'm not, truthfully. But it's getting there, InsyaAllah.

You know how someone who always portrays himself strong is the most fragile person ever? Yeah.

Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi

Managing anger

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 08:04:00 +0000

It's one of those days when you feel like you're always doing things wrong.

In my case today, I feel somewhat stupid and mean when I raised my voice a little. It was a misunderstanding and I totally understand how serious it was but I have these principles and beliefs in life that you have to fight if you really believe that you're right.

My life is a constant rollercoaster ride when it comes to dramas, it's boring and pointless but it's not going away. Ever.

Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi

Of hellos and goodbyes

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 07:36:00 +0000

There is this one theory where you can never make yourself feel comfortable, or else you're going nowhere. Ever watched the movie, The Nanny Diaries?

It tells a story of an inspired college graduate played by Scarlett Johansson who has a dream of becoming an anthropologist. One of her quotes in the film would be, "There's a common belief among anthropologists that you must immerse yourself in an unfamiliar world in order to truly understand your own." And I couldn't agree more. But the question is, what do you do when you are too comfortable?

In reality, when most people get too comfortable in their surroundings, that's when they stop pursuing their dreams. But she doesn't belong in the "most" circle, definitely. It is always natural that nobody wants to gamble something precious in their life with something that can't promise us anything. I guess I am feeling too comfortable and that's why I am feeling this way.

She took me by surprised. Well, somewhat. I am trying to gather and plant all the little details that she fed me with when she scribbled them down in her NST notepad in my train of thoughts. It's just that I find it hard to swallow, considering that she was there to aid me in times of need.

By engraving this, I am forced to hold back some tears from falling. I wouldn't say that I am very affected by it, considering that I have been feeling mellow for the past few days as I was sick, and a little sick at present. And knowing that your bestfriend's boyfriend told you to "Pegi mampos," "fuck you" and "pegi terjun bangunan" doesn't help. Not that I care so much about it as he was being a boy, an angry, irrational one but it triggered my emotions a little. I'm not made of rocks, you know (more on that later.) Hmm... I wish she would stay. Then again... I would consider the decision that she's about to make as one of the best moves for her career.

Why I wouldn't say that she took me by surprised was because she had voiced out her desire since many months ago but I never really took it seriously given that I never knew that it would be this soon. However, I understand where she is coming from and putting myself in her shoes, I would do the same thing as well. In life, humans tend to seek thrills and I am one of the beings that truly enjoy getting the adrenaline all pumped up.

But I cannot stop myself from feeling this kind of bizarre feeling that I have in this heart. Not to make it sound emotional but I have my reasons why I am feeling this way, and I don't plan to share the reasons with anyone at all.

What I want to say is, I am proud to have a friend who is constantly true to herself. A friend that helped me on my first day of work and a friend who has been nothing but a great friend. I wish you nothing but the best in life.

Sigh, I tend to get and feel very emotional when I'm sick. I want a good hug. But we all move on, we have to. :).

Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi

Fening lalat

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 03:42:00 +0000

Today is the first day ever that I am thinking of going back early from the office asap. I still have the fever. It's partly gone but still, it's not leaving for good. At least not yet. The headache is beginning to kick in but I hope I'll be alright just in time for me to be able to finish my work. But that's not why I really feel like going back early.

For some odd reasons, I miss him [which is weird because I don't normally feel like this (maybe I'm in denial), let alone blog about it.] I'm going to gamble and head to Bukit Bintang after work since he's not working today. It's Merdeka, nobody works on Merdeka day except for us in the editorial department.

Sani finally came back for good and the girlfriend, Nini tagged along and will be staying here for five days. I haven't seen my bestfriend in the longest time and am looking forward to hang with him soon, real soon.

So I am torn between two, but I was left in the dark by one. I should be able to think? No.

Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi

The missing part

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 03:08:00 +0000

The day has barely started and the vibe mellow dances in the thin air that one is breathing.

Engraving thoughts was once something natural that runs from the heart to the fingers. As of late, this self is beyond control as to think of what should be jotted down. Comically, words were like figurines which I often play with to describe the rainbows and thunders in my life.

These days, my train of thoughts often go astray whenever I planned on updating this little piece of virtual space that I possess. Being a person who updates the comfort space based on her emotions and current circumstances she is put in, I find it perplexing and hard to do so these days.

Alhamdulillah, I am so grateful to God. What I have been blessed with is just too much as I haven't been a very nice person as of late. A best friend did mention that I now know how to stare furiously at people when I drive, which according to her screams a lot of new, negative changes that have sparked in me.

I am a happier person today, nonetheless I cannot deny that I am fearful of rotting in life. Perchance I still live in denial.

As I dug deeper and deeper, I realised and have it in me that I yearn to return to the old self that is hidden in this skin. That part doesn't want to be found. That part wants to be locked. That part wants to be left alone, and that part refrains from being found by other souls. All these questions keep on lingering in my mind, playing like a broken record which slowly dies down - what is wrong with me?

It could be that I accidentally found a missing puzzle, which I wasn't supposed to find in the first place. I now know that I'm not ready, yet. Then again, you can never trust people fully. I find it hard to surrender and I find it hard to trust. I think I am running away, again. Sometimes, something is better left unsaid.

I want to be left alone, and found at the same time. I discarnate. Then again, I wish for a better day today, InsyaAllah. :). Time to pump up some hardcore/metal music.

Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi

Pakcik Mustaza, anak pakcik comel

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 03:55:00 +0000

"Find a guy...

Who calls you beautiful instead of hot.
Who calls you back when you hang up on him.
Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Who kisses your forehead.
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.
Who holds your hand in front of his friends.
Who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
Who turns to his friends and says, 'That's her!'"

No, I'm not feeling oh-so romantic, it's just something I came across in my email, which was sent by a friend who is so into these cute little chained emails. But what does that have to do with everything, you ask?

There's a story of a girl who never thought she could grasp happiness.

I've heard her cry, I've seen her frustrated with how people treat her (hell, she had been treated like roti canai, even!) and personally, I believe it's unfair. Perhaps it's only natural to say that because she is a dear friend. But take a little time and get to know her, her eccentricity is beyond words and you'll love her in an instance. I cannot say that I know her very well, but I know her well enough to my liking.

But the point of this entry is, I believe the girl has found what she has been looking for. Which is going to raise many questions like, how do I know for sure?

Well, since I sit next to her at work, we tend to share stories just about anything. And when this one person came into her life, I saw the difference and impact he has on the little gorilla I sit next to. Every time she shared stories of her and her most special person (I cannot help but to gag,) I found that the actions taken by the boyfriend were always as mentioned above.

I know for a fact that we can't hold on and believe solely (duh) to the email I received but it is relevant, in a way. So I wish her all the happiness in the world. Good luck.

Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 17:09:00 +0000

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

... I put the fun in funeral.

July 30, 2009

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 18:35:00 +0000

It was 212 in the morning when I got home. Despite having to fill up the tank with gas, it made me smile. Particularly the fact that I had a joyous time spent with a psycho.

It's been awhile since I last went out with a friend to catch a movie, so it was great and I'm sure my sister is going to be pleased seeing her car's gas tank when she comes back.

Anyhow, I cannot wait for the trip to Malacca tomorrow. Everything was sort of impromptu but I have never been the type of person who would plan in the first place. I just go with the flow, and for someone who doesn't like gambling, I sure do gamble a lot. InsyaAllah, everything will go well. I am bringing Sani along and will capture as many photos as possible. There are many things that I odd to share with a friend there, and the one I'm bringing along.

Although I seem to be enjoying myself thus far, a huge part of me cannot wait to start working. It has been a week since I last stepped foot in the office. The agony of when you have a very free schedule, ah, you tell me. But I still dread the fact that on Sunday, I'll be coming in. Sundays make me sad.

Just a few weeks ago, my father brought back the swing my siblings and I used to play with, which was left behind at the old house I grew up in. Now that the house has been officially sold, we had to take the leftovers. The swing is 23 years old, it is my age. I remember hanging on the bars and thought that the height of the swing was really tall. But now, it can barely fit five persons. I can go on and on about the swing because I love writing about how strongly I feel for something, but I feel the need to stop here.

In four days, my sidekick is leaving the country. Hmm.

Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi

Niat enson mata kaji semar ngiseng

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 17:19:00 +0000

Today, I am Jawa (which has nothing to do with anything at all. Kuntik kuntik kuntikkk!)

The body is aching due to the fact that I haven't been sitting up straight. But anyways, I noticed that my appetite for food is uncontrollable these days. To support that, I did not have lunch, but an afternoon feast with Masami and Noel somewhere in Brickfields. I forgot the name of the restaurant but it is a great place for some good Indian food, says Noel. We gambled our ways since neither of us had any assignment that required us to travel and thus we took the chance and made our escape in search for some good food.

Pakcik Kaki Karot was great at hospitality (even though we weren't at his house). He made sure that we tried almost all the food that he thought was great, given that he had visited the restaurant many times. I remember gobbling down mutton, prawns and chicken with rice flooded with fish curry, not forgetting downing a glass of cool mango lassi. I swear Noel nak kena pukul for bringing us there. I wasn't even halfway through my meal when I felt stuffed but the spices really got me going (for someone who loves spicy food, I couldn't stop). Dan Masami sangat comel sbb dia kata pedas sambil minum air dgn byk. Mesti dia berak bau curry dkt toilet office.

Which leads to a story where Masami and I went to a spa at the Gardens a few months ago. It was one of the oddest experience I have ever had, given that I was massaged like a roti canai. At first I thought I was running low on luck for being massaged by someone who treated me like a piece of roti canai dough. Later, after both of us were done, Masami had mentioned the same thing. Both of us felt like we were being treated like a piece of roti canai. Thus, we swore to never return.

However, the person who catered me was a nice person indeed. She told stories of her background and why she came all the way from Nepal (or India). Food was not enough at home, mom was sick and dad had left, but the pay in our country is dreadfully little. It made me sad listening to her sappy tales and grateful to God at the same time as I have been blessed with a beautiful family, enough food and a great life. Contrary, the person who massaged Masami claimed that she hates her job.

As opposed to the majority working people, I actually am in love with my job. I love how happy I am at work, how distressing it is being in the office and how wonderful the feeling is just to be able to feel happy about… I don’t know what. I'm just happy. :). At times I do feel stressed out but that's only normal. It’s only natural for me to compare the state of emotion and mind when I move to certain places. I noticed that I am happier when I am in the office. It's weird, who likes being in the office, anyway?

Malay Mail offers me something that can't be traded, I can't explain. I wasn’t exactly at my best when I first became an intern for the company last year. But as days passed by, I slowly smile even more and it got to a point where I don’t smile anymore - I now laugh. Allah has been so kind to me for blessing me with the happiness that I am indeed feeling. :). But who wants to sleep in the office lah?

So on the way back home, my sister and I stopped by an Indian food joint in the busiest area in SS15, Subang Jaya.

My belly was bloated with the food I consumed during the day, but my sister is a princess. "There's no fun eating alone," she said, which does make sense to me. So I ate again, bah.

On the way home, mmg dah kronik dah dua2 ekor kenyang sangat sampai tahan kentut. Suddenly my left boob sakit. In confusion, I asked my sister, “Aduh, sakit tetek. Mungkinkah angin blh naik ke tetek sbb tahan kentut?”

And she thought I was a douche. Dia pun sama tahan kentut!

I had a fantastic night. Not that anything happened (with all the kentut incident), just that gaji masuk so I finally am able to give some money to the parents, it makes me happy. Even though yesterday has passed, Alhamdulillah for another beautiful day I had. Tomorrow is a different story.

Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi

I is Chinese

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 12:31:00 +0000

Reading, not everyone loves reading.

As for myself, there are times when I find myself loving reading new books, magazines or anything at all. But I always find myself having an interest in reading some friends' posts on Blogger, and that include yours, Masami and Suzhen (I don't know why. I think it's because you guys always update your blog.)

However, what makes me feel amused is when I stumble upon weird word verifications.

For instance, I was just browsing aimlessly when I stumbled a widget installed by my friend. Eh chup, is it called a widget? Ah well. So my friend had it installed and it's called "Recent Comments", which shows the recent comments users have posted on the author's journal.

Back to the word verifications, on Blogger.com, a word verification is always asked before one could comment. There's no problem with that, just that I often come across funny words like "hissaps" and so on (I can't remember, to be honest).

The latest was "tamsapp" which instantly made me think of (what else) "hamsap" la.

The initial plan was to reply a comment, but I couldn't possibly ignore the word that was needed to be typed in. So terbatallah niat murniku ini. And that got me thinking, what kind of words do YOU get when you wish to comment someone's blog?

Am I weird for posting this mindless entry?

I think I have a mind like a goldfish lah. Even Naj says so.

Many who know me think that I'm odd. Like Sharaad, the copydesk clearer, made it clear that I am weird. "Nadirah, you are really weird, you know that?" with a smirk. But I was just telling the interns how I tried swiping the ID card once by jumping (with the card placed on my chest), but with no such luck since I am too short. :(.

And that's not the only remark I got, and I don't feel the need to share. Even from my bosses. Some have spoken but the remaining minority, like Rocky, Frankie and former boss, Tony, I'm pretty sure that they haven't truly seen the other side. Not that I never show it, but my gut feeling tells me that they haven't seen the real side yet because they were never really there. Apa aku merepek ni.

Tapiii, I learnt some new Mandarin words from Teoh Poggy and Ng Suzhen! Ni yao woh jiang hwa eu mar? Mei you wen ti, xiao hai tduo tduo! It says, "Tak mau sudah, nama kau Dollah, tetek kau sebelah. Go die faster, you twat."

I wish.

Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi

There's no "i" in "we", forget about "team"

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 07:01:00 +0000

The rain was pouring heavily when I opened these eyes in the morning. I was woken up by the sound of As I lay Dying, which was set to alert when the phone rings. It was my mother, and after the conversation ended, I could not sleep anymore (but managed to dream that Daniel Johns was my fiance for a minute. *Gags*)

So lately, I have been thinking a lot about some friends of mine. I understand that there are many types of friendship. But I've lost count on how many times I uttered that I don't really believe in friendships. Isn't is peculiar how our thoughts always link to another, to which has nothing to do with anything at all?

Throughout the years, friendship that only I am part of has left me feeling wary. Thus I took a leap and keep these words close to my heart, "If you don't care, I don't fucking care either." And today, I am happier than ever holding on to those words, as arrogant as it may sound. But it's hard not to care, I admit it.

It isn't anything like I don't appreciate the comrades I have. I do and I really really do. But do understand the fact that people come and go, that's all.

It enraged me a little when I read a friend's post. Perchance, the reason why I felt so furious was because I've been through it. Even so, I never seemed to learn until something massive hit me in the face. It added a point to my little list of why I shouldn't rely on people in general.

Not to say that I don't feel the temptation of getting even, but I try my best to keep my values. If you are mean, I won't photocopy your filthy character. I have class and standard but it kills me when people I care for experience something like this, because it hurts, it hurts like a motherfucker.

Sure it's nice having friends around, but I am used of doing things alone, locking myself in my room (I blame the television, laptop and wifi for this). I'm used of doing everything on my own. I guess what makes people say that it's odd to always need some private time alone is because the loneliness can take you to a place where misery is your only best friend (so drama wei, haha).

There's no arguing in that, at times you'd feel miserable but that is when you ask yourself, "do you want to stay miserable?" I know I'm not a smart person but if it's within your power, do something about it and yes, I have learnt how to do so.

But the question that keeps on lingering in my head is, where can I trade my vagina for a dick and balls so that I can be one of the boys at the end of the day?

Maybe I have never changed. Therefore the reason why I tend to think that I'm not against society, it's the society against me.

Damn it, panjang jgk post ni! ^&%*%$

Edit: Today marked a history, for the first time, I flicked Shifu's ear because she was so naughty (famously known as Cacip, Shaship, Ship, Chip, Apu at home. She's my cat by the way).

I wish I had a telephoto

Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi

Hello, goodbye

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 18:33:00 +0000

Today has been a great day, Alhamdulillah.

For months, I had not visited any of my relatives in Sungai Buloh. But today, I gave my grandmother a visit and spent some time with the family. My favourite cousin, Ahmad, was there too and I had the chance of gossiping with the boy I grew up with. It had been a while since we last saw each other but too bad he had to leave for work. I so hate him for that.

Today was his last day at work as a chef. By August 3, I won't be seeing much of him anymore, at least for awhile la. Which I, surprisingly, am okay with.

We grew up together, we went to the same kindergarten and after we hit puberty, he would show me his new girlfriends and let me screen them one by one. Yela, dah kata raging hormones kan.

I must say that I never really quite like the women he chose to be with but hey, I'm happy if he's happy. As cheesy as it sounds, I try my best not to interfere in people's relationships and I hope for the same in mine.

Usually, I'd become upset when someone close leaves (no, I never bake when it comes to this matter, at least I haven't in the longest time). Only this time, I believe I am emotionally and mentally prepared compared to years ago. I understand that people come and go, I even keep on having it on replay in my train of thoughts since God-knows-when.

Perhaps, I have become jaded somewhere in the process of growing up - I don't believe that everyone will stay and I don't believe that friends are for keeps. Friends today, strangers tomorrow. It happens and has happened, but it's nothing personal.

Anyway, I probably should start saving up for Dubai. That's where Afiq is going to reside come August. Germany and Russia can wait. Hmm, I certainly hope he'll succeed. I'm actually excited for him, and it's like I have things all planned out for me as well.

One regret would be, I wish I could have spent more time with him. And I know I'm going to miss him like mad even though I am alright that he's going no matter what and who knows he'll be coming back. I'm lucky enough for the fact that he doesn't even know that I am writing this in my blog, let alone the existence of this blog, and I'm guessing that he's not much of a reader. It'd spare my ego and my left nut. Weehee!

Since I was in the area, my parents thought of stopping by at an uncle's house. This is another place I haven't been at in ages. By the time we reached the house, I was already feeling sleepy but kept myself occupied with the food served by my aunt. Tamak haloba punya pasal.

We were having fun until another cousin of mine decided to slip a rubber snake in my brother's jeans. For sure la Bapak cannot be upset about it. I mean, dude, our cousin is merely what, five or six? So we laughed our asses off la but I later came up with an idea of throwing the snake at my dad. It was one of the stupidest ideas and moves ever.

"Aku tampaq kang budak ni!" he said.

That actually cracked me up even more. Hahahaha. Am I a psycho? Because he was serious about it. But I thought it was funny. So so funny that I laughed in his face.

Alamak, mengantuk.

P/S: I am very happy with the Oreo cheesecake I made today for a retiree. Wee!

Excuse the the quality of the images

P/S/S: Shit, aku sayang siut cousin aku.

Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi

"How ah?"

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 11:57:00 +0000

Spending hours of your time dedicated to a cheesecake sounds painfully pitiful. But what sucks even more is when what was supposed to soothe you, took its toll on you instead.

You see, baking is like gambling. Why? Because I usually bake when I am upset, or when I just feel like baking (or plain hungry.)

When I am upset, the outcome matters a lot. It either makes me feel accomplished and happy, or (somewhat/more) depressed.

I was not feeling upset when I baked the cake today, I was feeling indifferent because I was so bored of doing nothing at home. I was supposed to go to my college and get my transcripts and renew my license but nothing seemed to go the way I planned it.

So today, as requested by someone, I baked an Oreo cheesecake for him and his wife. The cake was beautiful but it only lasted for an hour.

I feel fucked. The worst feeling of all is feeling like you’re fucked. I just sold an ugly cheesecake to someone. I just hope that the taste make up for the appearance. I am fucked.

Or maybe I am just paranoid. Just yesterday, I was telling my friend, anak Mustafa, that I am always paranoid. And her reply was short and sweet, "When you're in this field, mmg we're bound to be paranoid at all times la."

But I am always paranoid about my life. And this, I sold an ugly cheesecake! ^&%&*%%!!

Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi

Sirap ais, anyone?

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 07:48:00 +0000

Sometimes, there is always one of those days when you feel like you just need to get out of the place you're in.

In my recent case, the wind was not blowing so lovely. I wasn't feeling emotionally at my best, thus the reason why I isolated myself, even if it meant hiding under a table, or anywhere I can think of at the time.

Usually, it's the loo that's been my most, favourite place in the office. Not only do I poo and pee a lot (if you think it's menggelikan, fuck off you hypocrites!), it's also a good place for me to be at peace, or to have some quiet time alone. I'm not a negative child, I just appreciate my privacy.

But, that's not the whole point of writing this entry. For some odd reason, the office's loo smell of air sirap, tak tipu. I mean, how can I not notice, half of my time in the office is always spent in the loo. So you can definitely count on my words. If not, you may ask someone who sits next to me.

It led me to a story my friend told me a few weeks ago. Whenever she drinks coffee, her urine would smell of coffee and it makes her cranky because she just wants her piss to smell like, well, urine lah.

The fact sort of confuses me and I thought to myself, "Is that even possible, wei?"

So, bila terbau toilet mcm air sirap ais, saya pun mcm terfikirlah, "Alamak, potong ah. Siapa pulak pg minum sirap ni, kacau je org nak berak. Sat lg kang bau taik campur sirap, dah aku pulak tak lalu minum sirap karang."

Tgk2 freshener yg keluarkan bau mcm tu. Tiu na seng, macibai. Even so, I'm grateful la that everyone's private parts went to school so berak dan kencing tak bertabur. Toilet is one of the holiest places okay!

I am still scared of eating a lot of chocolate. I hope that my poo or pee will not smell of it.

But anyways, sometimes, I wish never knew some friends that I have. Sometimes. But I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the people that I'd met, the circumstances that I'd been put in and the choices that I'd made.

In the end, there's always a light at the end of every tunnel. Time to bake, hardcorely.

Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi

Anak Pakcik Sawal

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 17:06:00 +0000

Three years ago, he wrote something that touched this heart. But I was too wary of a person to present something similar in return.

Now, it has been almost a thousand days the first time we shook hands, declaring our bond as an acquaintance to each other. Since then, we became good friends, and shared what we had until we stuffed ourselves full with memories and updates.

As the time progressed, we bloomed into a better, greater relationship, we became great friends. It was overwhelming. While he was sensitive of not receiving a reply whenever a message was being sent to me, he would apologise if he had hurt me in any way. And no matter how mad I was at him for the hurtful things he uttered, he would try and talk to me, or write me a message when he learnt that I was not in the pink of health. "Drink lots of water, wear socks and don't stay up too late." He took great care of me when I was ill and as I really think of our friendship, I have never really done anything nice for him, except for teman-ing him sahur and expressed how pissed I was of the things he said to me to my former love.

Considering the boy is much taller, he would comb my hair with his fingers to hide the bald areas as a result of a deep depression I went through. I lost a lot of hair, but never him. Tiba-tiba, he had become my personal hairstylist.

Alas, catastrophes hit and so we sailed our different directions for a long time. Arguments, mouthful of foul words, unappreciative manner rose like a best friend for 100 nights and days.

In the midst of our adolescence, we became jaded and believed to the fact that no bond is worth the hassle. However, I've come to realised that it's not about how hurtful it can get when his words cut the heart like corroded daggers, as he is transparent and that makes him the boy golden.

And today, I am really grateful that you are still here by my side. He is my friend, Uzair Sawal. Uje, it's sad that I took three years in engraving this lettering when you had published something similar three years ago.

You're not a good product, but a great one without a doubt.

Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 06:36:00 +0000

I sad. I is wants to hides under table. I doesn't know where I should goes.

I sad, very is sad.

Ram ram patil

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 19:16:00 +0000

I could only think of Razak when I hear "ram ram patil," (which I forgot what it means). Anyways, the man has a blog of his own now! It's so exciting because he's comel! Haha.

But it's sad that his url is http://razakg.blogspot.com. In my humble and sangat berhemah opinion, it should have been http://razakgspot.blogspot.com.

Hello, you look short

nadirahrodzi@gmail.com (Nadirah H. Rodzi) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 06:31:00 +0000

The greet sure raised my eyebrow when I entered the office.

It's nothing peculiar, really, just that I too felt as if I was shorter than before when I stood beside him... Then I realised, I haven't been wearing heels to the office in the longest time (about two weeks?) I'm in my kid-mode now. :D.

Earlier, my friend had talked about her pet, Fat Rat. Personally, I think it's really wicked to have a rat for a pet, especially the ones which have spots on their body. I thought of buying a pair of mice but my sister would freak the hell out, she hates rats that much. She hates anything with a pointy mouth or nose.

On the other hand, I'm the kind of person who likes exotic pets. I wouldn't call having a pet mice is exotic, but it certainly is different for a change, if not much. My dream is to have an albino python but it cost a lot and I'm only earning peanuts, enough for me to live comfortably (Malay Mail is a great place to work, please don't fire me Rocky and do send in your resumes!)

Of course, my father is against the idea of me owning a python given that he can't stand the sight of snakes, lizards. Basically reptiles la kut. At first it was kind of perplexing given that he grew up in Perlis where snakes are always seen roaming freely. I even managed to catch and saved lots of snakes and a baby python when I was back in my hometown. Pendek kata, semua jenis ular ada.

You know, having a snake might come with a lot of conveniences. Tiba-tiba one day Bapak psycho ke apa, senang je, all I have to do is just campak the ular and he'd run like there's no tomorrow. That would make him think twice of tickling or bullying me while I'm asleep. I think that would be a great sight for me to enjoy. Hahaha. Dan kemungkinan saya lupa bg ular tu makan, lalu dia pulak yg makan saya. Takde ke org train ular mkn pizza?

I'm trying to make this post as short as possible but I always fail. I never seem to stop talking (even to strangers, it's sad.) When I was needed to get some comments from Dato' Markiman Kobiran, we ended up talking about what his children and wife felt like having for dinner. Sushi, pizza, whatever. When I needed comments from the country's crime analyst, Kamal Affendi Hashim, we ended up cheap talking about the latest technology of networking sites and again, food. And when I gave a call to the national laureate A. Samad Said, I ended up talking about his daughter, Siti Senja who was my science teacher when I was 10. He called me "yang." And when I called Daphne Iking, we talked about kiasu people. It doesn't even benefit me. Haih.

Which leads to what Suzhen and I had for our lunch. We decided to have sushi at the nearest sushi joint, Sushi King. While we became monsters at the sight of the sushi on the belt, it's no wonder why our friend, Masami is not too fond of eating there. I was quite disappointed to find that my Tendon rice was too soggy and the tempura wasn't crispy.

However, I'm not really particular when it comes to sushi. I'd have paid the bill and walked away no matter how starving I am if it wasn't Japanese food. I don't like exchanging dirty words. I know, I have a very hideous temper but it's always better to just walk away than have an argument, no?

Sushi Roll's right, the Sushi King's joint at Seksyen14 is, nyeh. At the (not so) end of the day, I kind of regret breaking my fast. Sebab sayang sangat. It would have been my 13th day.

Before I end the post, I'd like to share a picture of a broken plastic spoon. Apparently someone was too eager to eat the ice-cream. Hehe.

Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi