It has been quite a bumpy road for us both. For me, definitely.
It's comical when I reminisced of the moment when everything took place. It was like a casual hangout session which sparked into something serious. I didn't have the idea of starting anything at all, I just thought that it'd be good to have a friend I can hangout with. Being the person who initiated everything, he made it easy for me to just being myself and I often find myself tagging along whenever he asked me to meet up. Of course there were times when I couldn't join. But he was a friend.
To date, I've grown more and more attached to this one boy whom I never thought I would have anything to do with, at all. I wasn't playing when I jotted that down. The first impression I had of him was, I just thought he was weird. "What the hell, why is he talking to me like he's known me for ages? This guy sure knows how to strike a conversation, but he's still weird." Masa tu memang malas nak layan dia pun.
But nine months after the first meeting changed. That change led to this
- us. The first thought was just to have a joyous time together, I never really had in mind of being, or getting serious with the boy I am with now. And of course, he wasn't a rebound either.
He leads a very different lifestyle and so do I. There are just too many clashes and that fact planted a seed of confusion as well as doubts, it seems impossible for this to work. I just didn't want this relationship to work in the long run. Jahat, I know.
But I changed my mind. It feels different this time around. I'm not here to compare the past love duet. They're two different beings. Yes, I loved the first very dearly. Yes, he gets me and yes, he's a good person to be with, but it's not meant to be and I accept it the way it is.
Although this guy annoys me almost every second when we're around each other, I am thankful that things are flowing more naturally and consistently, which was almost non-existent in my last relationship.
Throughout the period of time we've been together, I have been egoistical and stuffed with pride. Never once, except for that night when all hell broke lose that I let my guard down, even just slightly. Yet he always tries to patch things up, or win me back every time I put my horrendous sour face on.
I wouldn't want to wink at a thing called jinx. I believe I have some insecurities still buried deep in this skin. Perchance that's the reason why I find it easier to be alone and detach myself from people always.
I can be anal once in awhile. I've been called "batu" and an "affection dodger" for failing to show my true emotions. It isn't exactly easy to explain, I guess my actions do not speak louder than words and my words are stuck in my throat. We still need to learn and we need to to learn together in order to make this work.
It scares me at times knowing what I know and feel. It freaks me out. To be honest, the thought of starting over again is tiring, but again, I pulled through,
we pulled through.
I am taking these small steps and have found you instead. You may not fit the criteria that I look for in a partner, but the same goes with me.
I feel funny for the fact that I only wanted nothing serious out of this when it started. My soul and heart were bruised from past experience and I was looking forward to just having someone to kill loneliness. When we got together, I didn't really feel anything exclusive for him. But I feel happy this present as I realise that more and more, the feelings have developed into what it is today. There are times when I'd feel that I am forever destined to be alone, but hold my hand and reassure me, don't let go. Help me.
I sound like a person who is madly in love. I'm not, truthfully. But it's getting there, InsyaAllah.
You know how someone who always portrays himself strong is the most fragile person ever? Yeah.
Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi