0032.

What makes me happy these days?

Just about anything. I notice that I don't normally have things to write about anymore even though there are lots of things running in this train of thoughts. Who knew that something that comes naturally, goes astray that easy too. I'm talking about my will, by the way. Haha.

I guess one of the reasons why I don't write that much anymore is because I feel like I am always rambling about petty stuff. "Ouh, I'm not happy lalala...", "Ouh, what did I do to deserve this?" It's boring. Haha.

But tonight has been a great night so far. One thing that I feel like writing about would be the fact that I truly enjoyed myself despite getting lost in the city of twilight (yeah right.) I don't know, I just feel like it's one of the best nights I have ever went through. Maybe I am dodging the reason why, maybeee. Teehee. Tapi, it's all different now, I am at a different place and circumstance. Perchance I should stop here. Should I continue, it would be about something that's not meant to be and uncertain. Then again, I'm still a happy being, it felt like when everything was just right years ago. :).

The old signature's back. NXH is here once more. :).


NXH

No smile from P.A.

I received the first beating of the day from Pauline Almeida with a smile. Honestly, I don’t know how I should feel about it. But it’s all good, another lesson learnt.

She stressed that the office is teaching us (all the new journalists ) "the wrong thing" by asking us to ask around for contacts.

“We had to make 30 phone calls before we got the contact of the person we’re looking for. I don’t know what they’re teaching you and the new reporters here in the office, but senior reporters like I am build up our own contacts.” Or something like that as it was too noisy at the time, with the auntie vacuuming the carpet and all. She has a point.

At first, she asked me if I had managed to contact the person for comments and I replied with a nod and a yes. She seemed mad at me, but maybe she’s like that by nature.

However, what perplexed me was, she was so cheerful and nice and so sweet when I asked her the number of a public figure. She could be half-hearted about sharing the contact but if she really was at all, she hid it well.

Nonetheless, I certainly am grateful because I want to be a better reporter. I have people like Pauline to thank for. Teehee. And those who share their contacts, can’t leave them out after all the sharing, can I? :P.

Ah...


NXH

Pulling the trigger

Of many cases and unforeseen circumstances, this one person often finds herself floating inches off the ground where she is supposed to stand.

As surreal as everything else, she seeks something more to life, something that could assure her for the last time, thus none of insecurities could make friends with her. Of late, it seems that she is destined to spread her wings and lose herself in the open sky. Only the sky has lightnings dancing horrifically through it.

At times it's perplexing to fully understand her nature. She confuses others as much as she confuses herself. The thought of running alone keeps on lingering. Perchance being detached from her surrounding and the people she knows have long been her best friends for as long as she could remember.

Leave, before everything gets too serious. But what if he's really determined and honest? Should she? Shoot her.


Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi

I'm going to die of a car crash

Why? Because just before reaching the destination where I was assigned to cover a small press conference, there were two times I was this close of being dragged into an accident. Then again, I never believed that I was a good driver. Partly, it was my fault (I think) considering that I just massacred my father's car yesterday when I was trying to park the car. Hmm, I don't know why I tend to blame myself every time bad things happen to me.

Buttt, some Malaysians were really born stupid. The green light was on, which indicates that pedestrians can now cross the road safely. But this one "smart" guy decided to run the light and almost ran me over. And boy, was he mad at me. Mad at me? It just makes me wonder sometimes, what are they thinking. What's inside of their head, other than a small piece of brain that's half working? It could be that he's blind because everyone stopped, but not him.

It's important for us to be educated. We don't have to go far by pointing our fingers at the authorities because I believe that we need to have a strong fundamental at home. I mean, we always want to have the tallest buildings, the best of everything. It can be annoying to know that our government ni jenis tak boleh kalah. Not all, but some. But what the government doesn't know, or decides to ignore is the fact that we are also one of the fattest, and possibly dumbest nations.

There was a time when my mother and I took the train from KL Sentral to Subang Jaya. You know how Komuter Tanah Melayu (KTM) works? Slow.

I was sad. Until today, it's safe to say that I never failed to give my seat away to those who need it, especially to the elderly and pregnant women. Not because I want to act like an angel but of course it injects some accomplishments and great feelings since I have a problem with self-loathing. Tapi seriously, sanggup ke tgk org kurang upaya berdiri dan asyik2 nak terjatuh dan tiada siapa tlg? Tak kasihan ke? I just hope that when my family members or anyone that I care for wouldn't encounter such similar problems.

But that one time, my heart sank completely. Not one of them young souls would give up their seat for my mother. I am not ranting about how they should treat my mother, no. I just feel like there's something that we should do to plant a seed of compassion in their young souls, or self-centered beings. You can't always be selfish. It can happen to you as well. Don't they feel good doing good things? Maybe my expectations in people are high but I just believe that you treat others the way you want to be treated. I guess I hoped for too much when I shouldn't have.

Is it the food we eat? Should we start eating more broccoli, bacon and steaks?


Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi

When you feel like Brian Molko

There's this vivid dream of pressing herself close to a person who provides her emotional support and comfort.

But it is also at these times that she feels the need to detach herself from the society and everyone around her, including her duet. She has in mind of going astray, walking aimlessly into the shadow of doubts. Deep in the forest, lies nothing but perplexities and only an answer. However, if she proceeds, she would only prove him right as he once said: "You'll go astray on me, one day I'm sure. And I'll be sad."

Not that she hasn't done that before.

She finds herself being in the middle of the road - a road that has two paths. She could either choose to stay and share or choose to vanish. At present, there's nothing that she wants more than feeling secure again. Her hands are well-kept at each side of her body but her desire is to hold on to something. Aside of the keyboard.

But anyway, I truly hope that today will be a great day to perform. InsyaAllah. :). This is the list of things that I hope to do and accomplish:

1. Donate blood.
2. Enroll myself in a yoga or dance class.
3. More manicure and pedicure with Masami.
4. Getting pampered at spas or just at massage parlors (with Syaz or Masami.)
5. Further my studies.
6. Shed a few pounds (like that's going to happen. Hah!).
7. Be a better person and learn from the mistakes I've made.
8. Be a stronger person.
9. To feel that it's all right to feel what I feel and show it.
10. Run freely.
11. Work as a social worker by feeding the need or just helping out those in need.
12. Make my parents happy and proud.
13. To be able to let my guard down.
14. Improve my work ethics and perform consistently.
15. Let loose.
16. Be happy.
17. Stop going astray.
18. To be loved by God.

INSYAALLAH!


Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi

All drugged up

Why oh why, sakit kepala?

Anyway, currently I have no assignment given so here I am, typing away these letters for the sake of doing something. It's already 121pm. No assignment? It usually means that I'm screwed and can't go back early. Not that it's a big deal anyway, but I feel obliged to go back and hang with my father. I haven't done that in awhile. I guess it's partly because I have another boy who wants to meet up every now and then. Which often makes me think to myself, how does a girl juggle two or more lovers at once? Satu pun dah susah nak jaga.

Now, I find myself chowing down 14 ounces of Hershey's Kissables (candy coated mini kisses.) Can you imagine how much calories and saturated fat I am chewing right now? I certainly don't think I'll be shedding some pounds for now although that's what has been lingering on my mind. Pakcik tu pun panggil kita gemuk. Haha. This post makes me sound like a self-conscious freak.

Aside from that, the skin around the area of my nose and upper lip is peeling due to the fact that I couldn't stop sneezing the whole day for the past three days. It was bad and half the time, I felt like blacking out.

Buttt, last night was beautiful. I hope I still have strong a resistance towards the things that I do not believe in. Although I've been blessed with all these colourful blessings from God, I couldn't help but notice that I have a very bad immunity system. I've taken my meds but my throat is still a phlegm factory and my head is spinning.

My right eye couldn't stop twitching. Since it tickles, I kept on blabbering to my friends but one of the friends who I ranted out about it came to a very good, simple conclusion - I'm going to die soon.

I like it!


Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi

Weird, but not bizarre

It has been quite a bumpy road for us both. For me, definitely.

It's comical when I reminisced of the moment when everything took place. It was like a casual hangout session which sparked into something serious. I didn't have the idea of starting anything at all, I just thought that it'd be good to have a friend I can hangout with. Being the person who initiated everything, he made it easy for me to just being myself and I often find myself tagging along whenever he asked me to meet up. Of course there were times when I couldn't join. But he was a friend.

To date, I've grown more and more attached to this one boy whom I never thought I would have anything to do with, at all. I wasn't playing when I jotted that down. The first impression I had of him was, I just thought he was weird. "What the hell, why is he talking to me like he's known me for ages? This guy sure knows how to strike a conversation, but he's still weird." Masa tu memang malas nak layan dia pun.

But nine months after the first meeting changed. That change led to this - us. The first thought was just to have a joyous time together, I never really had in mind of being, or getting serious with the boy I am with now. And of course, he wasn't a rebound either.

He leads a very different lifestyle and so do I. There are just too many clashes and that fact planted a seed of confusion as well as doubts, it seems impossible for this to work. I just didn't want this relationship to work in the long run. Jahat, I know.

But I changed my mind. It feels different this time around. I'm not here to compare the past love duet. They're two different beings. Yes, I loved the first very dearly. Yes, he gets me and yes, he's a good person to be with, but it's not meant to be and I accept it the way it is.

Although this guy annoys me almost every second when we're around each other, I am thankful that things are flowing more naturally and consistently, which was almost non-existent in my last relationship.

Throughout the period of time we've been together, I have been egoistical and stuffed with pride. Never once, except for that night when all hell broke lose that I let my guard down, even just slightly. Yet he always tries to patch things up, or win me back every time I put my horrendous sour face on.

I wouldn't want to wink at a thing called jinx. I believe I have some insecurities still buried deep in this skin. Perchance that's the reason why I find it easier to be alone and detach myself from people always.

I can be anal once in awhile. I've been called "batu" and an "affection dodger" for failing to show my true emotions. It isn't exactly easy to explain, I guess my actions do not speak louder than words and my words are stuck in my throat. We still need to learn and we need to to learn together in order to make this work.

It scares me at times knowing what I know and feel. It freaks me out. To be honest, the thought of starting over again is tiring, but again, I pulled through, we pulled through.

I am taking these small steps and have found you instead. You may not fit the criteria that I look for in a partner, but the same goes with me.

I feel funny for the fact that I only wanted nothing serious out of this when it started. My soul and heart were bruised from past experience and I was looking forward to just having someone to kill loneliness. When we got together, I didn't really feel anything exclusive for him. But I feel happy this present as I realise that more and more, the feelings have developed into what it is today. There are times when I'd feel that I am forever destined to be alone, but hold my hand and reassure me, don't let go. Help me.

I sound like a person who is madly in love. I'm not, truthfully. But it's getting there, InsyaAllah.

You know how someone who always portrays himself strong is the most fragile person ever? Yeah.


Regards,
Nadirah H. Rodzi